The Sexually Confident Wife: Connecting with Your Husband Mind Body Heart Spirit - Softcover

SHANNON ETHRIDGE is an inspirational speaker, lay counselor, and bestselling author. Her previous books include Every Woman’s Battle and Every Young Woman’s Battle. She lives in East Texas with her husband and their two children.

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Where Did Our Confidence Go?
At one time, I was perhaps one of the most sexually confident women on the planet. I loved my body. I was willing to share it freely. I enjoyed sex.
What changed? I got married. And it took me longer than a decade (along with months of counseling) to return to the place where I loved my body, shared it freely, and enjoyed sex once again.
Some of you know what I'm talking about. As single women, sex was often a game that we liked to play, and some of us were very skilled at it. I've got it. You want it. But the price of admission into my private playground is a big dose of attention and affection. Make me feel really good about myself, and I'll make you feel really good in exchange. But now that we're sleeping next to the same man night after night, month after month, year after year, the challenge has worn off. The payoff is no longer clear. Hubby isn't wooing and pursuing us like he used to, so our motivation wanes. Sex feels more like an obligation than a mutual thrill.
And maybe that mental list of previous sexual partners has begun to haunt you. You calculate all of the sexual favors you paid out in hopes of earning emotional interest, but now you feel sexually bankrupt. How could I have just given my body away like that? And how could my husband possibly love me and want to be with me after all I've done? you may wonder.
Or perhaps you weren't skilled at all when you came into marriage. You assumed your husband was going to teach you everything you needed to know about sex, or that you'd figure it out together. Now that he's so masterfully taught you that the round peg goes in the round hole for approximately 2.8 minutes, you're left wondering, Is this all there is? Disappointed and disillusioned, you've come to see sex as something you're expected to just dish out like a scoop of ice cream whenever he gets hungry, which makes you want to close the ice cream shop altogether most days.
Or maybe your sexual confidence has been robbed because while you've been dishing it out, he's been salivating over other flavors. You notice him glance up and down another woman's body as she walks by. You know where he keeps his pornography stash. You've gone to his most recent websites to see what he's been looking at on his laptop. You catch him masturbating alone, most likely fantasizing about any woman except you.
Perhaps you, like millions of other ladies, have lost your sexual confidence as a result of past sexual abuse. Rather than associating sex with passion and pleasure, you've associated it with pain and degradation. You know in your head that it's not your husband's fault that you were abused, but you've insulated yourself from further pain with walls of anger, resentment, and fear of intimacy. You can't imagine how you'll ever get over what's been done to you in the past.
Maybe you simply do not feel beautiful, especially when you compare your postpartum body (complete with stretch-marked hips, flabby tummy, and saggy boobs) to the airbrushed magazine models. Excess food becomes your drug of choice to medicate your emotional pain. Your husband asks why you're eating turtle cheesecake if you already feel fat. You inhale a second piece just to spite him, and think, No sex for you again tonight, pal!
Or perhaps children clinging to your ankles all day prevent you from mustering enough energy to enjoy sex much anymore. Your idea of a blissfully indulgent evening is ordering takeout, throwing the paper plates away after dinner, and heading straight for bed at eight p.m. without having to tuck anyone in or take care of anyone else's needs.
Oh, the many issues that we let rob us of our sexual confidence! No wonder more and more married people are claiming to be sexually frustrated. No wonder there are so many sexless marriages today. In 2005, Family Circle magazine published the results of a national survey in which they asked married women to reveal their innermost desires, needs, regrets, and joys. Consider these results and what they say about the quality of couples' relationships:
¥       Only 8 percent of married women consider their sex life "very hot."
¥       21 percent call their sex life "routine and boring."
¥       21 percent of respondents asked, "What sex life?"1
Sound familiar? Maybe you've been thinking you were alone in your struggle to discover sexual fulfillment. Think again_._._.
¥       20 to 30 percent of men and 30 to 50 percent of women say they have little or no sex drive.2
¥       33 to 50 percent of women experience orgasm infrequently and are dissatisfied with how often they reach orgasm.3
¥       10 to 15 percent of American women have never experienced orgasm at all.4
Although many women have lost (or never found) their sexual groove in marriage, it doesn't mean they are sexually dead. We get married, not buried. If your husband isn't floating your sexual boat, you may be thinking about what it would be like to sail on other oceans. According to the aforementioned Family Circle survey_._._.
¥       44 percent of wives have fantasized about having an affair, most often with a stranger, celebrity, or coworker.
¥       29 percent of women admit to flirting with other men.
¥       25 percent of women fantasize about another man during the act of sex.5
If you ask me, these statistics merely indicate the number of women who are willing to admit their issues to researchers. I think the number of women who actually engage in these extramarital games and struggle with finding genuine sexual fulfillment within their marriage is much higher. What gives me this impression? The multitude of e-mails I receive every day from women lamenting their lack of sexual confidence. For example:
¥       Lisa, who was sexually abused as a child, confesses, "Sexual fantasies of other men have always been an issue for me, and extramarital affairs littered the first five years of my marriage. Even now that I'm being faithful to my husband, I still struggle with feeling the need to compete with other women for my husband's attention. We spent two weeks in Hawaii and I was miserable the whole time because of all the bikini-clad bodies around. My husband says, 'But I'm with you, so what's your problem?' I just wish I knew the answer to that question."
¥       Sylvia was sexually active before marriage, then married a virgin three years ago. She asks, "How do you and your husband keep the past out of your marriage? Do you ever talk about it? How do you get beyond the hurt? I am afraid this is affecting my sex life because I still feel 'unclean' at times. I am also afraid of trying anything new to please him because I don't want him to think I'm a slut. I know he must think about my past sometimes, but I don't ever want to talk about it. I just want the whole thing to be forgotten, but I can't erase the memories or their negative effects."
¥       Abby has been married eight years and has one child. She writes, "My husband and I get along very well, but it feels more like we're friends or business partners than lovers. I'm no longer attracted to him physically at all and I can't stand it when he comes near me for even just a quick kiss. I actually feel repulsed by him. I'm not frigid, but there's just no 'chemistry' any longer. How can I find my husband desirable again?"
¥       Terri came into marriage expecting that everything would come naturally, but it hasn't worked that way. She says, "I just can't relax and get into it. I have too many hang-ups about anything sexual. I love my husband, but I wish sex didn't have to be a part of the marital equation at all. When I give in out of obligation, I usually just close my eyes and think of something else. I know that's probably not all that fun to him, but I don't know what else to do."
When I receive these kinds of questions and comments, I always wonder the same thing: What difference would sexual confidence make in these women's lives? In their husbands' lives? In the lives of their families?
Defining Sexual Confidence
Perhaps you are wondering what it would be like to be a sexually confident wife. First let's talk about what it isn't like. It's not about having a great body or obsessing over getting one. It's not about fitting the "young, hot" stereotypical mold. It's not about being his sexual rag doll, doormat, or vending machine. It's not about killing your conscience and being willing to do anything and everything to sexually satisfy someone else. It's simply not about becoming someone you aren't.
It's about becoming who you really are, and humans are naturally sexual beings. Perhaps you don't feel like a sexual being now, but I hope that by the time you finish reading this book, you will. In fact, I hope you'll feel not just sexual but sexually confident as you put these principles into practice.
As a sexually confident wife, you will learn to love your body and feel beautiful in your own skin. You'll be content with being the best ____________________ you can be (fill in the blank with your own first and last names) and not feel the need to compare yourself or your husband to anyone else. You'll come to believe wholeheartedly that your husband finds you incredibly desirable. You'll be able to openly communicate what you find pleasurable, as well as what is beyond your personal boundaries. You will feel great about what you have to offer your husband, and will be able to relax and freely enjoy all that he has to offer you.
A PERSONAL REPORT CARD
Whether you have a long way to go in this process, or just a little, is based on where you currently stand. To help you assess where you are on the sexual confidence scale, here's a list of 69 questions (pun intended!) to ask yourself.
                                                            Strongly
Disagree                                                                Agree
0_1_2_3_4_5_6_7_8_9_10
____    1.      I feel good about who I am as a sexual female.
____    2.      I have no doubt that my husband finds me sexually attractive.
____    3.      I trust my husband completely when making love.
____    4.      I am comfortable having sex as often as my husband wants to.
____    5.      I am comfortable having sex however my husband wants to do it.
____    6.      I initiate sex often with my husband with confidence that I won't be denied.
____    7.      I am comfortable inside my own skin and like who I see in the mirror.
____    8.      I experience sexual desire for my husband.
____    9.      I am comfortable with my husband looking at my naked body.
____    10.     I believe my husband likes my body just the way it is.
____    11.     I like the size of my breasts.
____    12.     I believe my husband likes the size of my breasts.
____    13.     I am comfortable with the shape of my body.
____    14.     I am comfortable with the size of my body.
____    15.     I am not ashamed to let my husband look at my vagina.
____    16.     I am not embarrassed to let my husband touch my vagina.
____    17.     I am comfortable with my husband performing oral sex.
____    18.     I am at ease with vaginal penetration (intercourse).
____    19.     I believe I know exactly what turns my husband on.
____    20.     I have confidence that I can bring my husband to climax every time.
____    21.     I believe that my own sexual pleasure is important to my husband.
____    22.     I am worthy of the investment of time and effort it takes for me to orgasm.
____    23.     It does not bother me for other people to know that I am a sexual woman.
____    24.     It does not bother me if my children are aware that their parents have sex.
____    25.     I am very interested in sexual activity with my husband.
____    26.     My husband considers me an interesting sex partner.
____    27.     I am willing to try new sexual positions.
____    28.     I am willing to try new sexual acts.
____    29.     I feel the freedom to verbalize my personal desires in bed.
____    30.     I am comfortable asking how I might pleasure my husband sexually.
____    31.     I do not worry about my husband asking me to do something degrading in bed.
____    32.     I don't worry about my husband rejecting my sexual advances.
____    33.     I have confidence that I satisfy my husband completely in the bedroom.
____    34.     I believe my husband only seeks sexual pleasure within our marriage.
____    35.     My husband doesn't feel the need to look elsewhere for sexual release.
____    36.     I believe I couldn't feel any sexier than I do now.
____    37.     I believe I couldn't be any sexier in my husband's eyes than I am now.
____    38.     I experience orgasm whenever I choose to.
____    39.     I enjoy experiencing vaginal (G-spot) orgasms.
____    40.     I enjoy clitoral orgasms.
____    41.     I am able to achieve multiple orgasms.
____    42.     I believe I am a good steward of my sexuality and the power it holds.
____    43.     I believe my husband is ...