Every Young Woman's Battle: Guarding Your Mind, Heart, and Body in a Sex-Saturated World (The Every Man Series) - Softcover

Shannon Ethridge is the founder of Well Women Ministries and best-selling author of Every Woman’s Battle, as well as a wife, mother, conference speaker, and lay counselor. She speaks regularly at Teen Mania Ministries where she teaches others how to lead Well Women growth groups across the nation and abroad.

Stephen Arterburn is founder and chairman of New Life Clinics, host of the daily New Life Live! national radio program, creator of the Women of Faith Conferences, a nationally known speaker, and the best-selling author of more than two dozen books, including the award-winning Every Young Man’s Battle with co-author Fred Stoeker.

a note to parents

In Every Young Woman’s Battle, we discuss sexual purity from emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical perspectives, teaching readers to guard their minds, hearts, and bodies in this sex-saturated world. We do so using very frank, contemporary language, writing especially for young women in their teens to early twenties.

Perhaps you are wondering how frank we’ve been or if this book is appropriate for your daughter at this point in her life. If she regularly watches television, listens to pop music, or reads teen magazines, nothing in this book will be too graphic or shocking for her. Our goal is to present a credible, helpful, Christian perspective on the images your daughter is exposed to every day.

If, on the other hand, you believe she is already committed to sexual purity, or you fear that a frank discussion on the topic may be inappropriate for her, we encourage you to review Every Young Woman’s Battle before passing it on to your daughter. We have made every effort to address sensitive issues with tact and respect, emphasizing God’s desire that young women live with sexual integrity. Our commitment to helping young women requires us to be honest and open with them, and we hope that our doing so will pave the way for your daughter to make many healthy choices about her sexuality.
Chapter One

daring to be truthful

If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. -- John 8:31-32

Truth or dare. You’ve probably played this game with girlfriends at a slumber party or perhaps been warned by your parents not to play it at all. It’s a game where you agree to do anything another player dares you to do, regardless of how embarrassing or disgusting it may be, or else to tell the absolute truth in response to a particular question, regardless of how private or humiliating your answer may be.

As a young girl, I never opted out of playing such games. It never even occurred to me I had a choice. My friends dared me to do some ridiculous things–eat a ketchup, mustard, and mayonnaise sandwich; drink a Dr. Pepper as fast as possible and then burp as loudly as I could in front of my friend’s older brother; and passionately kiss my stuffed monkey while my friend took a Polaroid picture. But I usually took the dare because I didn’t want to answer questions such as these: Who do you think is the cutest boy in school? How many boys have you kissed? How far have you ever gone with a boy? Eating something gross or making an idiot out of myself was easy compared to telling the truth about certain things.

Sometimes the truth hurts, and it’s much easier if we can keep it hidden. As a matter of fact, sometimes the secrets we harbor are so painful that we don’t want to face them ourselves. We assume that these secrets will go away if we don’t think or talk about them with anyone. But the opposite is true. Shameful secrets fester like a splinter in a finger, and it’s much better to name the secret and to let someone help us remove it from our lives so the wound will heal.

You will read many stories in this book from young women (ages twelve to twenty) who have courageously done just that. They’ve dared to tell the truth about their battle to guard their minds, hearts, and bodies from sexual sin. We hope that you will learn some lessons the easy way and avoid making mistakes of your own, or that you will recognize the truth about any struggles you are currently facing in your battle for sexual purity and understand how you can overcome them.


IGNORANCE IS NOT A VIRTUE

You may find some of the stories in this book eyeopening or surprising. Please know that we are not trying to shock, disgust, or defile* you in any way. We want you to be wise to the ways of the world so you can guard yourself against them. Ignorance is not a spiritual gift, nor is it a virtue. You can be wise and innocent at the same time, and we intend to prepare you to make responsible decisions if and when temptations come across your path. Also, don’t assume that the temptations we’ll be discussing won’t come to call in your life. The apostle Paul wrote:

So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!...
Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled.... Do not
conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But
just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written:
“Be holy, because I am holy.”... Among you there must not be even a
hint of sexual immorality.” (1 Corinthians 10:12; 1 Peter 1:13-16;
Ephesians 5:3)

Let’s peek into the private lives of some of your peers who were brave enough to tell the truth about their battles for sexual purity.
MOLLY ’S PRIVATE WAR

Molly’s struggle began when she stumbled upon a pornographic television show and later chose to stumble onto it again...and again...and again.

* defile–to corrupt one’s purity

I know that it was wrong and that everyone messes up big time, but I still feel bad, mainly because I not only exposed myself to pornography,* but I also exposed two of my very best friends. One of them was a good enough friend to me to confess to her parents what we had done. My parents were extremely upset, and I don’t blame them. They even helped me by having someone change the television settings so that nothing pornographic comes in now, and that channel is blank.

I was fine for a while and tried very hard to forget what I saw, which worked for the most part. But recently I have developed a habit of masturbating† to these images and cannot stop. I know this is wrong, and I feel
dirty and guilty. I have confessed my sins to God, but that doesn’t seem to be enough. I don’t want anyone to find out, because I know that they would be disgusted and disappointed in me.

We’re sure that if Molly had known how addicting pornography can be, she would have avoided it altogether. If either pornography or habitual masturbation have become problems in your life, this book will help you break free from these habits that hinder your sexual integrity and spiritual peace.


LAUREN’S PRIVATE WAR

Lauren attended a sexuality conference when she was in junior high and made a pledge to remain sexually abstinent until marriage. Now in high school, she is disheartened by the choices her friends are making and can’t help but wonder if it’s realistic for her to maintain her pledge.

I went to a dance at my school and most of my friends were freak dancing, moving around like they were having sex with their clothes on, and doing nasty stuff with each other–girls with guys, girls with girls, anything goes.

* pornography–material that graphically demonstrates sexually erotic behavior

† masturbating–touching one’s own genitals in order to cause self-arousal

Everyone looked like they were having so much fun, and they kept telling me to lighten up and join the party. Also, a couple of my girlfriends accepted a dare to perform oral sex* on some guys in the back of the bus–and now those girls are really popular with the guys. I try to remind myself that they are popular for the wrong reasons, but sometimes I wonder if I’m being too prudish and am missing out on all the fun it seems that everyone else is having.

We know many of you reading this book want to maintain sexual purity, but like Lauren, you feel all alone in your desire and are wondering if it’s even possible.

Don’t be discouraged. It’s not only possible, but we believe you’ll agree that it’s much better to wait to enjoy sex according to God’s perfect plan–in marriage someday–than to engage in sexual activities as if they’re just another recreational hobby. Keep reading and we’ll show you exactly how you can do just that.


EMMA’S PRIVATE WAR

Emma was daring enough to share the truth about her struggles in hopes of encouraging other young women to avoid the mistakes she made. She felt very insecure in her early teens and believed something was wrong with her because guys never seemed attracted to her. Even though she had good relationships with her parents, she wanted to be pursued by a young man. In order to make herself look more like the popular girls at school, she started dieting and exercising to lose weight.

It didn’t take long for my weight loss obsession to turn into a serious eating disorder. I felt desperate for boys to notice my slender body, and I craved compliments like crazy. When a guy did compliment me, it puffed me up with pride and I felt like I was really something. I would hang around him more as some sort of “payment” for the attention he gave me as well as a “security deposit” so that he’d keep the compliments coming. I’d also flirt by linking arms with him buddy-style, bumping into him on purpose, or leaning up against him.

* oral sex–placing one’s mouth on the partner’s genital area for sexual stimulation

Over the next three years I got into a couple of relationships that I thought were serious, but the guys weren’t so serious. I gave these guys all I had, including my body, but eventually I got dumped for the next girl.

Every time I experienced another breakup, I wondered what was wrong with me. Why didn’t he want me anymore? Was I not attractive enough? Was I still too fat? Abusing my body and giving it away was how I tried to get the attention and affirmation I wanted from a guy, but what I got was never enough.

The battle to be thin enough, as well as the battle to get your ...